Monday, February 1, 2010

Holding On When It Seems Like Nothing Is Left.

I know, second post in one day. This one is justified by the shortness of the other. Today was a hard day. I have been wrestling with God. I want to take my life back over. It is so hard right now. I got myself thinking something may happen with a person, knowing that I should be waiting, and realized that God didn't want that for me. I am still carrying a lot of baggage from my relationship with Cassie. I need to deal with that. It is so hard sometimes, I want for things to get better, but find myself easily following my own way. I do not want to go into a relationship for the sake of being in one. I feel like so many times I am constantly banging my head against the wall. For so long I had someone to be close to, I long for that. I want to have someone to go to, at any time. It still sits in the back of my head, how badly I want an emotional connection with someone.

God gives me strength to make it through. I don't have any idea when I will be ready, I have no idea when the next bad day will come. No clue where the hand will come from then, but I know God will provide one. It's days like today when I feel weak, when I just want to drive until my money or car gives out, get away from the world. Then I think what good would that do? When will I get pulled out of this rut, when will this hurt of being lonely leave? Will I ever feel ready to open up to someone? Yesterday, I felt like I had went so far, now, it feels like my world was shaken just the other day. 3 months, I am happy to be out. Don't get me wrong, I needed out, but days like today still make it hurt even more.

Dan Van

PS. One of my classmates from last year was diagnosed with acute leukemia this weekend. Please pray for him and his family. They are still running a lot of tests on him to see what the best plan of action is.

PSS. Few posts ago, I asked for prayer for fellow Millarites to be able to get into Haiti. This past weekend, the prayers were answered and they got in. Please pray now as they do work in this country that was different then expected when they first planned on going.


  1. Thinking of you. Sorry that you need to go through this hardship when it feels so difficult and unwanted. It can't all be explained away and at the end of the day the hurt you feel is still there. I will be praying for you to have the strength for each day!

  2. "11 For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. 12 Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. 13 You will seek me and find me when you seek me with ALL your heart."